SF Mom's Groups Save the Day (and keep me from going crazy)

While I knew that I didn't have any close friends with children, I didn't think much of it before I had Tuco.  I guess I didn't think it would matter.  I don't hang-out much so finding people to hang out with didn't seem like a big deal. 

But here's the thing, I had Tuco and I stopped doing anything.  It wasn't that I didn't want to get out of the house, I just couldn't really figure out how or why or what to do.  Once I had decided to go for a walk, head to a movie or call a friend for lunch the thought of the logistics of it with a baby usually scared me out of it, plus, as I've mentioned before, Tuco cried A LOT.

Well, two things happened that changed what I was doing.  The first was that Tuco stopped crying.  (Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for that.)  The other was that I got stir crazy. 

I got bored enough to reach out, not something I do naturally.  I called friends and set up dates and went out and it was fun. I even went so far as to take a mini-vacation to visit my mom (and set up two more mini-vacations over the next few months), 

Once I got a taste and saw how much Tuco thrived outside the four walls of our studio apartment I went online to find some more stuff to do.  One Google search later and I now have a calendar full of events for the next three weeks. 

We are going to the free day at the zoo in March, Golden Gate Park this Friday, Alameda for a BBQ, coffee shops for meet-ups with mothers I've never met, infant music groups in the Haight and more.  Some of these are with old friends, but some aren't.  My old friends aren't stay-at-home moms.  They have to work.  They can get drunk. 

So I joined Golden Gate Mothers Group and I found a few groups at Meetup.com and I might join Mom's Club SF.  I don't have to be best friends with every mom I meet, but I wouldn't know how to meet them without these groups.  What did women used to do?  Did they just wander the streets talking to every woman with a stroller?  Scary!

He is sleeping soundly next to me in bed

So, I quit the Ferber method.

There are two main reasons:
1. It's really really really hard to hear him scream and cry.
2. The book doesn't give any examples of what to do in different situations.

For example, it doesn't talk about ways to sooth your baby during the day when he's extremely fussy because he didn't sleep well because his parents didn't sooth him at night.

I could not calm him today. He wouldn't stop acting scared and sad. He was angry with me.

I'm going to enjoy him sleeping with me. I'm going to treasure it. I'm going to love it so much that when he stops it and wants to sleep alone I am the one who is going to fall asleep screaming and crying.

As for Nelson and me? We'll just have to get creative.

He's whimpering in the other room

Thinking about what I just did makes me so sad.  I just spent two hours in hell and I can't even imagine how horrible is was for Tuco. 

What it must feel like to have such an abrupt change, to cry so much and to not have the constant presence of the one thing you know is safe must be so scary.  I know it is, because I could see it in his eyes. 

Tuco can't sleep without me.  This cute monster can only sleep by my side. 

It's all my fault. 

When Tuco came home from the hospital he ate every single hour.  I don't know why.  I think he was hungry.  I tried so many other soothing methods, but food, breast, me, that was all that worked.  I had been prepared for this to happen every couple of hours and for a while.  Well, it happened every hours for months. 

I broke on almost everything I said I wouldn't do:

• He was not going to sleep with us ... he slept with us within the first week.
• I was not going to use a pacifier ... I broke one out days before the 1 month wait suggested to prevent confusion. 
• I was NEVER EVER EVER going be so cruel as to let him cry it out. 

Well, it's 10:30 PM and Tuco just cried-it-out. 

 Last night I bought "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems," by Richard Ferber, M.D. 

I put him down at 8 PM and he cried, hard, until 10:15 PM.
Yup, I'm Ferberizing.  I don't know why.  The desire for freedom while he is sleeping seems so selfish and shallow right now.  I just want to crawl in bed with him and snuggle up tight and tell him how sorry I am and that he never has to cry like that again. 

But I'm not going to, even though I don't know why. 

I think, after reading the book, I agree with Ferber.  My son  was gaining nothing from sleeping with me, he was just used to it. 

Now he'll get used to this.  I guess I will too, but right now I don't really want to.  I guess that's only fair because he didn't want to go to sleep alone tonight either. 

---- I've thought about adding a bunch of notes explaining why I'm doing this and how I know Tuco is ready, but I'm not going to .  I'm to drained to do much more right now that sit quietly and wait to see when Tuco starts crying.

Blogging about blogs

One of the first things I did after starting this blog was to go out into the great wide Web and subscribe to many other parenting blogs. 

Why? You may ask.  Well, it's important to stay current on what your writing about and while I am parenting every moment, it's nice to know what others are talking about, how they are doing and how they may help me. 

For instance, when I am feeling stressed out and wondering why I ever let Nelson talk me into this mom business it is nice to read a post like this.  This entry is a little cliched, but they are called cliches for a reason ... they're very true.  Plus, I like the author's writing.  He's funny, and the small differences in vocabulary are amusing.  Haha, dummies. 

The blog Unknown Mami is also amusing plus on it you can find hidden gems like this.  I love EASY do-it-yourself things like this.  I'm not going to do it if it takes time, planning or shopping.  I do enough things that involve that on my own.  But show me something easy and fun that I can do with my 3-year-old step-daughter while the baby is napping and I just might come back to your blog again and again. 

Speaking of planning and shopping, some of that is really needed for doing the things on the posts in the blog A Little Yumminess.  Written by two Bay Area mothers, this one tackles food and family with a perfect mix.  Again, hear is a (fairly) simple do-it-yourself that Brittany and I can do on a rainy day and that will save us time and aches in the mornings. 

My sweet sweet aunt turned me on to amalah.com, which again is humorous and written mostly in a diary-like style.  Reading a post like this is a fun thing to do when I have a minute to myself, usually in the evening accompanied by a glass of some type of alcoholic beverage.  Like the drink, this blog is a little release. 

This is just a small slice.  You can check out my blog roll on the right if you want to see more of what I like.  I found this list after doing a simple Google search.  It long list and I haven't made my way through the whole thing yet but it is a good resource to have. 

Last but not least.  If you don't know about Google Reader then you are wasting precious time.  Google Reader brings the blogs you follow to you.  It's amazing, you just put in the Web site of the blog you want to follow, click add and then watch as the magic of Google brings that blogs posts to you.  For those of us short on time, it's a lifesaver. 

Good Days!

Oh yeah,

It's one of the good days. 

Tuco just isn't happy.  He doesn't want to sleep, be held, be put down, be superbaby, watch tv, read books, do tummy time, play in his gymini, sit in his rocker, look at his mobile, suck on anything, play with anything, walk, hear "shhhhhh" or any thing. 

The only thing he will do is eat.  But he just overeats and then throws up. 

Any suggestions?

Gotta go, he's been crying next to me while I write this. 

To suck or not to suck? That's a good question.

I just put Tuco down.  I should be researching this.  Instead I'm going to put the question out there, go read a book and research later.

What do you think of pacifiers, binkies, chupas, dummies?

Will you use them?  Did you use them?  Are you using them?  When? Why? Why not? For how long?

Logging Life

I used to think my son Nelson was different.  I thought he had problems.  I couldn't find a pattern in our crazy ever-changing days and I thought I was one of the unlucky parents with a "high-needs" baby.
Then I started logging his activities.  I stopped trying to give him what I thought he needed and instead tried to figure out what he wanted and logged it in a notebook. I found out I was wrong.  Nelson (or Tuco as I might call him since it means Junior in Spanish) likes to do things in a certain order and at a certain time. 

It took some trial and error.  I don't always know what he wants when he's crying, but it turns out he will wait and cry patiently while I figure it out. 

Here's what he likes, on about a 2 hour cycle: 
0 min - Wake up
Minutes 1 - 15: Drink, drink, drink, yum, yum, yum, Got Milk?
Minutes 15 - 75: Be entertained, check out new world, smile, coo, vomit, and generally be content.
Minutes 75 - 90: Discover that I am tired, get angry at everything that just made me smile, cry for no reason, fight moms attempts to get me to sleep, frown.
Minutes 90 - 120: Sleep, not always well, and sometimes wake up every time mom puts him down, but sleep none-the-less

I find that I used to try to get him to sleep after eating and then would give up and try to play with him right when he started getting tired.  The result?  An unhappy baby. 

To reiterate, I did not find this out by accident.  This isn't something I finally noticed one day.  I truly thought that Tuco was different and started logging things to make sure he wasn't going to die from sleep deprivation.  I thought he was eating too many times a day.  I thought he was "special." 

Turns out he's sleeping about 13 hours a day, perfectly normal.  He's eating about 11 times a day, normal again.  But he is still "special!"

I want to talk about sleep. 

Let me get this straight.  I wanted to start at the beginning and talk all about Nelson, his birth and the two months that have passed since he was born, but that will never happen.  I just need to start writing. 

I know they say parents with a newborn are sleep deprived, but its never really talked about why.  I mean, newborns sleep 16-18 hours a day, so if you really try to sleep when they sleep you should be very well rested.  But here's the thing.  The "sleep when they sleep" mantra is just crap.  There are things you have to do: eat, shower, go to the bathroom, take a minute for yourself, pump, catch-up on emails, and many more.  Plus, there is the fact that your whole life you have been programmed to sleep at night so sleeping during the day is quite hard.  There are also things like noises and lights and doorbells, landlords, phones and neighbors. 

But here is the biggest thing, at least for Tuco and me.  He never sleeps!  He has got permanent bags under his eyes, he hates his crib, tolerates his bouncy chair and squirms the whole time he's in bed with us.  I'm starting a log today, but this is the third time I have tried, so don't expect too much.  He only sleeps for about 6 half-an-hour stretches during the day.  Which would be good if he would make that up at night, but he doesn't.  He likes to go to sleep around 2 am and wake up around 10.  That's with about 4 feeds during that 8 hour period. 

A sleep chart

He's asleep right now.  But he's starting to wake up.  On the dot too.  He went down at 12:20 and it's now 12:50. 

I've worried my pants off about this to no avail.  He'll sleep when he wants to.  I'll sleep in a year.  His baggy eyes will probably fade, mine may remain permanent.